Etiquette
Have questions about your invitations? Find answers here! Choose from the following topics:
Selecting Your Invitation
Your wedding or party invitation and accessories set the tone for your special event firmly establishing your style and taste. It is the first official message about the event, which a guest will receive from you, so make it memorable.
If this is a wedding, begin by determining whether you and your groom want a formal, traditional or more contemporary type of wedding and make your invitation selection accordingly to convey your style.
The traditional invitation is elegantly simple usually in black ink printed on a heavy white or ecru colored card. The card may be either flat or folded with the printing traditionally on the front. The formal couple who loves tradition will find a wide array of papers, plain or variously paneled, and be able to distinguish their personal style through the large selection of beautiful typestyles.
If you choose a more contemporary invitation, you have an immense selection of exciting possibilities. Many contemporary couples love the freedom modern invitations give to tailor the invitation uniquely to their personalities. If you have a theme or color scheme in mind (Garden Tulips, Gold, Silver…), look for invitations that echo this, you may also wish to add a custom touch, like a monogram.
Last, but not least, determine your budget. Remember to include reception cards, response sets and thank-you notes (informals) in your calculations along with additional trousseau items like place cards, table cards, menu cards and so forth.
Ordering
When to Order
Order your invitations as soon as your date, time and place have been confirmed. Three to six months before the ceremony is what most expert planners suggest. The more time you give yourself, the less rushed you’ll feel and the more carefully you’ll make decisions. Give yourself or your calligrapher at least a month to hand address, assemble, and stamp the invitations and reply envelopes.
The Value of a Preview
Look for a printer or online dealer who offers a proof where you will see an actual copy of your invitation – with all your custom changes – before you order. You may also request a paper proof from the printer before the ensemble is printed. There is usually a charge for each proof you order and it takes a few days to a week to receive. If you don’t like what you see, you’ll need to make changes and order another proof.
How Many to Order
To calculate the number of invitations to order, count one invitation for each of the following: a) couple (married or living together), b) family with children under 18, c) each child 18 years old or older and still living at home, d) single guest, e) fiancée of a guest, and f) invited boy-or-girl friend of a guest. For example, in a house with one set of parents and five children (one child 17, one 14 and three children 18 and older), four invitations would be sent. One would be sent to the parents with the name of the 17 year old and the 14 year old on the line below the parents’ names (on the only envelope if using a single envelope or on the inner envelope if using a double envelope set), and one each to the three siblings 18 and older.
After calculating the number of invitations, add approximately 25 invitations to your order: 10-12 more for keepsakes, plus extras for the last-minute guests (and there will be last-minute guests.) Reorders later can be costly. Also, depending on how large your order is, add 25 to 50 additional envelopes** in case of mistakes in addressing.
When to Mail
Most established wedding planners agree that you should plan to mail your invitations six weeks before the wedding. Make sure you have one completely assembled invitation weighed at the post office to determine the correct postage. When you return with your invitations stamped and ready for mailing, ask to have them hand canceled. After all the care you put into selecting and addressing your envelopes, you’ll want them to arrive in pristine condition for your guests’ full enjoyment.
Back to TopWORDING YOUR INVITATION
Basic Rules of Etiquette
- All phrasing is in the third person.
- Punctuation is not used at the ends of lines (commas, periods, colons, etc.); however, commas are used within lines to separate the day from the date, the city from the state and a man’s surname from "Jr./junior/II/III", etc.
- No abbreviations are used. Either spell out a name or leave it out: "Richard Coleman Credit" not "Richard C. Credit." Also, "Road", "Street", "Avenue", "Reverend", "Doctor", and all military titles should be spelled out. Exceptions are: "Mr." and "Mrs." Many etiquette specialists prefer that "junior" be spelled out. When it is spelled out, the "j" is not capitalized.
- If both Mr. and Mrs. Smith are doctors, they can be referred to as "The Doctors Smith."
- Days, dates, and times are always spelled out.
- Only proper nouns are capitalized (names of people and places, cities, states, name of the day of the week, month name, etc.) Exceptions are the year line("Two thousand") or where the noun is the beginning of a new sentence or thought ("T" in "The favour of a reply is requested" or "Reception to follow")
- Be consistent with your usage of "honour/favour" or "honor/favor." Traditionally the formal, British spelling with the "u" is preferred in proper wedding etiquette and reserved for ceremonies which are held in a place of worship but whichever form you choose, use it in both words.
- It is considered socially incorrect to write, "no children please" on the invitation or any part of the wedding ensemble. "Black tie" does not traditionally appear on the invitation. If the event takes place after six o’clock, your guests should assume that it is a formal event. If you are concerned, however, you may write "Black tie" as a right footnote on your reception card. Note: the "B" in "Black tie" is capitalized, but not the "t."
- It is considered extremely socially incorrect to make any mention of gifts on invitations on the theory that we should expect nothing from our friends except their presence, therefore never list where you are registered, the name of a charity for donations or your desire for money rather than presents. The only slight exception to this strict rule is for shower invitations where it is permitted to list the theme of the gifts ("Linens", etc.) but never where one is registered or any mention whatsoever of money.
Traditional Wording, Line By Line: (Weddings)
- Begin with the full, formal name(s) and title(s) of the event sponsors. These are not necessarily the people who are paying for the wedding. While the bride’s parents traditionally host a wedding, anyone can be a host, including other relatives, the groom’s parents, or the couple themselves.
- Following the name(s) is the phrase "request the honour of your presence" for a service held in a house of worship. The variation "request the pleasure of your company" is used for a wedding held in any other location.
- The next line reads "at the marriage of their daughter" or whatever the relation is between the host(s) and the bride.
- The bride’s full name follows but often excludes her surname. If her last name is different from the hosts name or both sets of parents are doing the inviting, include it; otherwise, omit it. If you use optional personal or professional titles (Ms., Miss., Dr., etc.), then include her last name.
- Generally "to" is used on the line separating the bride’s name from the groom’s. The exception would be the use of "and" when both parents are doing the inviting or for a Nuptial Mass.
- The groom’s full name – first, middle and last-is next. If the bride uses a personal or professional title, so should the groom.
- On the next line, spell out the day and date with the spelled-out number inverted before the name of the month and a comma separating the day from the date: "on Saturday, the first of May." Using "on" before the name of the day is optional but if you do, do not capitalize the "o."
- Listing the year is optional. If you choose to do so, it appears on the line following the day/date line. Only the first letter of the first word of the line is capitalized: "The year two thousand" or "Two thousand and nine."
- On the line after the date comes the time. List this spelled out: "at six o’clock" with the word "at" preceding the time. You do not need to put "in the morning" or "in the evening" since it should be obvious but you may if you would like to and must if it is not obvious (for example, a sunrise wedding "at six o’clock" would be more likely to get people there on time if you said "at six o’clock in the morning"). In any case, never put "a.m." or "p.m." on a formal invitation.
- The name of the place goes on the next line: "St. Louis Cathedral", "The Audubon Tea Room" or simply the address if the wedding is in someone’s home.
- Listing an address for the place is optional (unless the wedding is in someone’s home). If you do include it, place it on the line immediately below the name of the place.
- Generally the last line lists the city and state, separated by a comma: "New Orleans, Louisiana" Note that you never put a zip code here.
- If you are not using reception cards, you may include the information here as the last line of the invitation: "Reception immediately following", "Reception to follow" or "and afterwards at the reception." These sentences indicate that the reception is in the same place as the wedding. If it is not, reconsider ordering reception cards so that the important wording of your invitation will not be reduced in point size to accommodate the several extra lines of the reception information.
- If you are not using response cards and envelopes, in the lower left hand corner include "The favour of a reply is requested", or "R.s.v.p.", and a response address; however, if you have a reception card, put the R.s.v.p. corner line there in order to leave the invitation uncluttered. Note that properly only the "R" in "R.s.v.p." is capitalized since this is an abbreviation for a French sentence, "Répondez s’il vous plaît." Likewise, since the sentence means "Respond please", never say "Please R.s.v.p." since that would be redundant.
View the Wording For (Almost) Every Social Situation Of Weddings page
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Back to TopThe Invitation Ensemble
Two Envelopes or One?
Originally when invitations were hand-delivered, an outer envelope was used to keep the invitation envelope clean for a more impressive presentation to the guest. Whether or not you opt for double envelopes is your decision. Today, many invitations are sent with single envelopes for a variety of reasons, including less paper waste and because some of the fancier custom-made envelop styles (like the French and Bavarian envelopes) are designed to be singles. If you order double envelopes and you also choose envelope linings, the inner envelope will be lined.
Envelope Return Address
Be sure to order your envelopes with your return address (excluding your name) on the back flap. This not only looks nicer, but also saves addressing time! If you are ordering double envelope sets, this address is on the flap of the outer (larger) envelope. Make certain you order additional envelopes in case you make mistakes while addressing.
Lined Inner Envelope
For selections that include an inner envelope, a lovely envelope liner adds that special elegant touch. You can select a liner that brings out the beauty of your invitation for a slight additional cost.
Tissues
Tissues were originally put on top of the invitation to prevent the old, slow drying inks from smudging. Today it is no longer necessary, but many people still prefer the traditional look of tissues.
Reception Card
Reception cards are included when the reception is held at a different site than the ceremony or if you have different guest lists for the ceremony and the reception. The reception card wording either reflects the wording of your invitation or simply reads, "Reception immediately following the ceremony" with the location.
Sample Traditional Reception Card Wording
Reception
Immediately following the ceremony
The Audubon Tea Room
New Orleans, Louisiana
Response Card and Envelope
Response cards provide a simple and painless way for your guests to reply. The cards have a space for your guests to write their names and indicate whether or not they will be attending. A printed return envelope is always included in the price of a response set. The face/front of this envelope is preprinted with the name and address of whoever will be receiving your replies. To make it even easier for everyone to reply, put a stamp on this respond envelope. If you are using the traditional wording shown below, remember to spell "favour/favor" the same way as you have spelled "honour/honor" on the invitation. As most party planning budgets require exact numbers, it is socially acceptable to call, or write, those guests who have not responded.
Sample Traditional Response Card Wording
The favour of a reply is requested
before the twentieth of May
M___________________
Will ______ attend
Sample Response Envelope
Mr. and Mrs. Jason Leigh McPherson
1717 Shady Lane
Naples, Florida 34116
Map and Directions Cards
Preprinted enclosure cards providing directions to the ceremony and the reception site can be exceptionally helpful to your guests, especially those coming from out-of-town. Photocopied directions blemish the beauty of your beautiful invitation ensemble and are often very difficult to read.
Accommodation Cards
Your guests will appreciate the convenience of a preprinted card that lists recommended hotels in your area, along with the phone numbers. You may also choose to list local “hot spots” or things to do while in town.
Within-the-Ribbon Cards
Another tradition is to designate special seating for select guests. The guests receiving these cards present them to the ushers, who will escort them to this special seating (usually in the front) that has been sectioned off by ribbon.
At-Home Cards
A handy way to inform your guests of your new address and the date you expect to begin residing there. These can be sent with a wedding invitation or wedding announcement. If the woman is changing her name in the customary fashion, names are not listed. If she is keeping her name or hyphenating it, this card is a good place to announce that by listing the woman’s name in full on the first line and the man’s name in full on the second line.
Sample Wording
At home
After the fifth of April
2314 Sylvan Avenue
Oakland, California 94602
ADDITIONAL TROUSSEAU ITEMS
Engagement Announcements
These are the formal announcements of you engagement.
Gift Received Cards
Preprinted cards acknowledging that a gift was received may be sent ahead (never instead of) personally written thank you notes. This allows the newlyweds to wait until after their honeymoon to thank their guests more personally.
Informals
This is the personalized stationery on which to write individual thank-you notes. Order informals with your maiden name for notes written before the wedding (bridal shower and engagement party gifts), and another set with your married name or monogram for notes written afterwards. Never include both the Bride and Grooms name on the front of an informal for a couples shower.
Sample Wording
Highly formal: Mrs. Carl Heath Jones
Formal: Mr. and Mrs. Carl Heath Jones
Informal (ladies first): Sally and Carl Jones
Woman Kept Maiden Name (ladies first):
Sally Leigh McPerson
Carl Heath Jones
Menu Cards
Menu cards provided at the reception and describe the dishes you have selected – a nice touch for a sit down dinner.
Place Cards
If you are planning assigned seating at your reception, put a place card handwritten with each person’s name at the place you have designated.
Programs
Guests appreciate an outline to follow along with at the ceremony. It also makes a nice memento of the event and a way for you to honor your bridal party.
Save-the-Date Cards
These preprinted notes are sent at least three months (but preferably six months to a year) before the wedding date and are invaluable if you plan to invite long-distance guests.
Table Cards
If you are planning assigned tables for the reception, these cards have a place for you to write the names of each couple or single guest and their assigned table. These should be awaiting everyone on a table at the entrance to the reception. (see also "place cards" above)
Sample Wording
M __________________
______Table No.______
Wedding Announcements
Announcements let you share your news with friends, distant relatives and colleagues that are not invited to the wedding (you can’t invite everyone!) They should never be sent to those who have received an invitation to the ceremony or reception and should be mailed right after the wedding (never before.) Your announcement should look and read like your wedding. Instead of requesting the honour of their presence at the marriage…however, you would say "have the honour of announcing the marriage…" The only enclosure would be the "At home" card.
Back to TopASSEMBLING THE INVITATION ENSEMBLE
When inserting a folded invitation into an envelope, the fold goes into the envelope first. Insert the basic components of the ensemble into the envelope (inner envelope for those items with two envelopes) in the following order from bottom to top: Invitation, reception card and respond set. Place the respond card face up on top of the respond envelope, which is face down, with its flap overlapping the respond card (see diagram 3). Accessories are never inserted inside a folded invitation. Remaining pieces (directions, accommodations, within-the-ribbon, etc.) are usually layered on in ascending order of size from largest just above the respond set, to smallest on top. If your item comes with two envelopes, write the names of the guests, including children, on the front of the inner envelope using only the surname prefaced by Mr., Mrs., Dr., etc. Insert the inner envelope into the outer with the names facing the flap of the outer envelope.
Back to TopADDRESSING THE ENVELOPE
Basic Rules of Etiquette
It is traditional to use the complete, formal name and address of your invited guests on the outer envelope of a double envelope set and on the outside of a single envelope. Do not use abbreviations other than "Mr." or "Mrs." Spell out Avenue, Road, and Street as well as the State name. See the "Basic Rules of Etiquette" section under "Wording your Wedding Invitation" above for more detail on how to write titles and suffixes. Include zip codes on the same line with the city and state.
The inner envelope of a double envelope set carries only the last name preceded by titles (Mr., Mrs., Doctor) of the primary person or couple being invited. There are no addresses. Invited children’s first names appear under the parents’ names. (Invited children over 18 or older still dwelling with their parents should receive separate invitations.) If you are allowing single people, who are not dating anyone in particular, to bring a guest, you would say so on this inner envelope by adding "and guest" to their title and surname. If you are using a single envelope, you must put this information on the outside of the single envelope by adding the children’s names below the parents’ names or the "and guest" line beside the single guest’s name.
Remember! Before purchasing stamps, have one fully assembled invitation weighed at the post office to determine proper postage. Don’t forget to purchase stamps for the respond envelopes as well.
View the Sample Addressing Formats for (Nearly) Every Situation page
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